I wrote the first version of this back in 2004 for my oldest son, L. He got a huge kick out of it. I saved it, and four years later, I made a few revisions and expanded on it for his younger brother, S. It is one of my dearest hopes that they’ll pass it down to their children and establish a twisted, beloved family tradition.

March 13, 2009

Dear S,

I’m writing to introduce myself – I’m The Tooth Fairy.  Congratulations on losing your first tooth.  I hear you’re a really nice, good kid, so I’m looking forward to working with you.  Let’s get a few things straight right off the bat.

1.  Never try to stay up and wait for me. I only come in when I’m sure you’re asleep.  Also, don’t even think about trying to catch me. I can fly faster than you’ll ever run.  If you wake up and try to grab me while I’m in your room, I’ll kick your butt. If you try to chase me, you’ll be sorry. One kid from New Jersey chased me as far as his kitchen, but when he got there I beaned him with the toaster. And no photos! If you try to take a photo of me, I will char your blankie in the toaster.

2.  I usually give kids $1 per chicklet (that’s my nickname for a tooth that’s fallen out). You get $6 this time, because this is your first one and you’re almost 6 years old — I’m nice like that for special occasions.  Always place the tooth under your pillow or in your little plastic tooth holder. I’ll know when to come by to pick it up and drop off the dough.  Don’t ask how I know when to show up – it’s complicated, and involves top secret stuff like magic, spying and a sophisticated communications network.

3.  I’ll take the tooth with me unless you leave me a note saying you want to keep it for yourself and why. As long as your reasons are legit, I’m cool with that. I’ve left this first chicklet for you, because your first one is a special souvenir. But after this, they belong to me unless you leave that note, OK? (By the way, tell your mom she’s wrong – I don’t use them to tile my tiny bathroom. It’s nobody’s beeswax what I do with them, anyway.)

4.  If you accidentally swallow or misplace a chicklet, or if it falls down the drain or gets eaten by an alligator or something, please remain calm. DON’T FREAK OUT.  It’s OK – I’ll understand. Just leave me a note under your pillow explaining what happened. Be sure you sign the note, which I will retain for my records.

5.  Don’t try to trick me. I’m the ultimate tooth expert and I cannot be fooled. I’ll know if you try to use the same tooth twice, or if you try to dupe me by putting a fake tooth or an animal tooth under your pillow.  A few years ago, a kid from Florida got greedy and put a set of those plastic vampire teeth with fangs under his pillow, hoping I’d leave him $32.00.  Guess what happened to him?  That’s right – I went straight to the kitchen, got the toaster, and beaned him with it while he was sleeping. And I only gave him 10 cents for each chicklet after that.

I know I seem grouchy, but I’m actually really nice. I’m just cranky because I never get enough sleep. I’m up all night most nights flying around bringing money to kids like you. But I love it. What can I say – to me it’s more than a job, it’s my life.

Enjoy being 5 years old for just a few more days. Keep brushing and flossing your teeth every day (I mean it – there’s nothing nastier than a gnarly, rotted-out chomper), and keep working hard in school. Be nice to your brother and mind your mom and dad and we’ll get along just fine. Like I said, I’m happy to be working with a great kid like you.

See you next tooth! (Get it? I said “next tooth” instead of “next time” – that’s my kind of humor! I slay myself!)

— The Tooth Fairy

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