August 14, 2012
Dear Man in the Swim Lane Next to Me Today:
(1) Your Speedo was too small. By at least 2 sizes.
(2) I got a good look at your Speedo while I was swimming, because I was thrown all around in the massive wake created when you – unlike anyone else there to swim laps – did a cannonball entry, and then got out and did a second one before you started to swim.
(3) Despite the posted rule, we all know that not everybody actually takes a shower before they get in the pool. However, for those wearing a half bottle of Polo cologne (like you), it’s imperative that you shower before you get in. Because you didn’t, every person in the pool had to ‘splain to their significant other tonight why they smelled like a lounge lizard.
(4) It’s OK to make “UNGH!” noises when you’re weight lifting or during a strenuous tennis match, but swimming is different. You’re not supposed to grunt loudly every time you turn your head to take a breath.
(5) It creeps out the other poolgoers when, after you finish swimming, you walk the perimeter of the pool deck for 15 minutes wearing only your teeny swimsuit & clunky dark leather sandals while stroking your own chest hair.
(6) I bet the Chinese character on your gold chain means “Hirsute land mammal entirely lacking self-awareness.”
One of the Human Flotsam Bobbing in Your Wake