March 14, 2020
So how’s everybody doing as we approach the end of Social Distancing Day 2, staying close to home and avoiding others? How am I doing? Thanks for asking. I’m losing my shit.
But I’ve resolved to try to productively use this time as I descend into madness. I did some research on the world wide interwebs – just an aside, has anyone else noticed that there are actually people out there telling LIES on the Internet?
Anyway, after extensive review and consideration of many tempting options, I’m thinking about taking up PYROGRAPHY, the art of burning designs in wood, leather and other materials. (To be clear, it’s not pornography – it’s pyrography.) This looks like a kick ass fun hobby! Listen to what the ads for pyrography tools say.
“Use this woodburning tool to add designs to wood boxes, wood plaques, leather belts, gourds and more.”
I very VERY much like the idea of burning things. Plus it’ll give me something to do with all those bland, unadorned GOURDS I have lying around! Maybe I can even attach several festively-decorated gourds to the many leather belts I’m going to burn rad pop art designs into. I might create a new fashion craze!
Look what it says will happen if I buy the woodburning thingy in the ad attached below:
“The satisfaction you feel after burning a beautiful landscape into an even more beautiful piece of wood is immeasurable.”
That’s right, my peeps! Imma get me some pyrography-based IMMEASURABLE SATISFACTION.
“Pyrography art makes great birthday, anniversary or even Christmas presents.”
I’m not going to be selfish, either. We’re all in this together! I’m going to share my pyrographic creations with all of you, so we can all experience IMMEASURABLE SATISFACTION despite our social distancing. If you get a package in the mail from me that smells like it’s been in a bonfire, you can be sure I’ve made you a GREAT GIFT!
I’m going to make you all gourd belts, and hideous slice-of-tree-trunk clocks, and plaques with burnt images of Elvis in his pudgy-middle-age-Hawaii-concert-jumpsuit-wearing years. I just found out there’s a Pyrography magazine, and one of the articles (not making this up) is “Burn Your Sneakers!”
The moment I finish writing this uplifting and informative post, I’m going to order hundreds of dollars’ worth of pyrography equipment and supplies! OMG – I just thought of something — I’m allowed to go outside if I stick close to home. I may even pyrography (pyrographize?) the back deck. But why stop there? I’m going to artistically char the entire outside of my house!
I’m also attaching an incredibly attractive montage of pyrography images I unearthed during my exhaustive research. Come on, who wants to join me? IMMEASURABLE SATISFACTION awaits!
©NLWalsh, All rights reserved.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Absolutely no offense is intended by this post. I don’t mean to make light of a serious situation; please understand that I am of the “we laugh so we do not cry” school of coping.