A Christmas story: After my sisters and I were grown, our parents moved, where they befriended a neighbor (“Mrs. X”), an unfriendly, not-so-attractive middle-aged divorcee who got involved with a horrible freeloading boyfriend I’ll call “Cad Deadbeat.” My mom was an extraordinarily friendly, nice person who offered a kind ear to everyone she met, and Mrs. X took full advantage of that, oversharing all the lurid details of her life with her.

        In the space of one year, Cad introduced Mrs. X to the world of cocaine, free love, swinging and S&M (which she liked), gave her herpes and other social diseases, and spent every cent of the hefty fortune she’d gotten in her divorce settlement. Once they ran through all the money, Cad left Mrs. X right before Christmastime for a 19-year-old Bulgarian waitress/stripper. Mrs. X was heartbroken, but rebounded quickly with the first in a long line of horribly-chosen, worthless boyfriends, and continued a libertine lifestyle until her death a couple years ago.

        Mrs. X was extremely indiscreet about her relationship with Cad & their breakup, and my poor mom got to hear all the gory details, which she (of course) shared with us. Over that Christmas, when we were all at my parents’ house, my sisters and I came up with this song about the affair, to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”. We’ve sung it together with great gusto every Christmas since. It never gets old. To protect their identities, details about Mrs. X, Cad and some of our original song lyrics have been changed. Enjoy.

On the twelve day of Christmas,
Cad Deadbeat gave to me:
Twelve thousand crab lice,
Wrist scars from handcuffs,
Empty bank account,
Big box of porn tapes, 
Some type of fungus,
Tramp reputation,
Tattered leather whip,
HERPES SIM-PLEX 3!
Genital warts, 
Crotch infection,
Credit card debt,
And a rare tropical STD!