September 2015
Today I break with protocol by announcing my wonderful husband T’s Quote of the Year before the December 31 deadline, because he’s not going to top this. It requires a bit of context to appreciate how exquisite it is, so bear with me.
Some background re T: he has many, many terrific qualities, but they don’t include abundant patience or a more-than-5-minute attention span, and in his own words, he “can’t hear for s—t.” He also thinks he’s really funny (which he is, but not everyone appreciates his colorful sense of humor).
So T had to go on a business trip to the Midwest. He left on a Sunday evening. The cab was late, it was raining, and traffic was terrible. At the airport, he ran to security but then had to wait 20 minutes in line to get screened. TSA selected him for additional body wanding (I think he actually enjoyed that part) and wiped his hands for explosives. He sprinted to the gate, only to learn that his flight was delayed.
When they finally boarded, he had a middle seat at the back, near the toilet. It was so crowded they made him check his carry-on bag. The flight was noisy and bumpy, and he couldn’t sleep. After landing, he had to wait over a half hour at the baggage claim. He made it to the Hertz counter, and even though he’s #1 Club BSD status and should get to bypass check-in, he had to wait in a long, slow-moving line to get his contract.
At this point, T’s processing capacity was maxed out. He couldn’t listen or interact or wait any more. Only the most reptilian part of his brain was working, and it just wanted the journey to be over so he could go to his hotel, punch a hole in the wall, and then collapse in exhaustion.
T trudged to the Hertz lot and stopped at the booth to grab the car keys, thinking his ordeal was almost done. But no – in the booth was perhaps the most conscientious Hertz employee in the world, a sweet young woman who painstakingly went over every term of the contract with him.
Before giving him the keys, she accompanied him to the car, where lizard T had to stand there and seethe as she closely examined every inch of the car’s exterior and interior, noting every scrape, nick and smudge on an official form. She made T sign and initial the form in several places, then recited a lengthy litany of rules, which, as she handed him the keys, concluded with, “And there’s no smoking or sex allowed in the car.”
THAT grabbed T’s attention, and his conscious mind sprung into action, the opportunity to be a smartass shoving aside his lizard brain. He shot back, “What? You should’ve told me that earlier! I’ve got a couple of hookers waiting for me downtown right now! What am I gonna tell them?”
The Hertz lady’s jaw dropped, and her expression changed to shock, horror and total revulsion. She took a step backwards.
In the seconds of awkward silence that followed, T’s synapses furiously replayed the exchange in his head, trying to make sense of her reaction. Then it hit him, and T spoke (drum roll) the Quote of the Year for 2015: “You didn’t say ‘no smoking or SEX,’ did you?”
She replied quietly, tensely, “I said no smoking or PETS.”
T jumped into the car and sped away in shame without looking back. He knew he could never fix what had just happened. He knew that sweet young woman would forever remember him as the most disgusting creepy old pervert to ever disgrace the driver’s seat of a Hertz vehicle.
Stay tuned for next year!
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